It’s been a full month bursting with emotion. I think I’ve laughed and cried more in March than I have in a long time. My dad’s been working a lot so I haven’t gotten to see or talk to him hardly at all and when I’m unable to see him, I miss my mom even more. It really makes me feel for people who don’t have a relationship with either of their parents. I’m sure it’s a lonely feeling. I am very close to my dad and I know how much he loves me, but I feel lonely when I don’t get to be with or talk to him.
And I’ve been missing my mom something terrible lately. She always loved Easter and springtime. Her house would be decorated just so with pastels, Easter eggs and bunnies galore. They boys loved to go over there and see all of her decor. I can still see her smiling as she watched them and saying, “Be careful, boys. Some of the decorations are breakable.” Then their tiny little fingers would tentatively touch the porcelain or handcrafted items. Later in spring, she and my dad would hold their hands and walk around the yard pointing out their various plants and flowers.
I’ve also been experiencing guilt lately. There’s no question the marital separation had to happen, so there’s no regret there. And I’m continually proud of the way the boys’ dad and I co-parent. People often commend us for communicating happily and being in the same place at the same time with no awkwardness. So I feel good about all of that, but I do have bouts of guilt when I’m not with the boys. It breaks my heart to not see them for a couple days at a time, but it comforts me to know when I am with them, I’m completely mindful of them and live in the moment more than I ever have as a parent. Nevertheless, a good mom loves her babies more than life itself, so it’s just hard, no matter what.
Training for a triathlon is no easy feat. It probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do while so many other life changes were happening, but I will never regret doing it during this time. It’s given me something fun and external to focus on while so many other emotions are swirling inside of my mind and heart. It’s tricky finding time to work out amidst the many other things going on in a day’s time, but I’ve made it happen. My first triathlon is 6.5 weeks away, and I feel really good about it. I just found a used bike yesterday I’m going to purchase. That was the last big thing I needed to take care of before I can truly delve into these last weeks of training. There are a handful of people who have inspired me more than they know, four in particular. I plan to dedicate an entire post just to them.
In life, there’s always the good with the bad, the happy with the sad. This month has embodied that duality for me. But at the end of the day, the overriding feeling is complete gratitude. Gratitude for so many things and people. I think I will forever look back on this month as one of growth and determination.
A sweet friend took this photo of me last weekend. On the surface, I like it because it’s fun but deeper than that, it makes me wonder what we’re all seeing through the lens. We have this one and only life, and I plan to focus my lens on the right images.